How did I become so numb?
How did my eyes become my biggest fear?
And why is it impossible for me to walk out on the streets without being afraid of the world around me.
How did my mind take over my heart?
And will there ever be a night where I can sleep, without hearing voices how to kill myself.
I used to drink myself to sleep. And smoke to forget. And smoke and drink even more to end up in a panic attack at home, and hoping the sun would be up soon.
I hated myself and there were times I did not know if another day would be worthwhile to go through.
When I was 18 I got indicated with PMS. Pre Menstrual Syndrom. To just give it a name.
Look up the list of symptoms, and I was having all of them.
Anxiety, anger attacks, fatigue, depressed, withdrawal from society, mood swings.
It was impossible to take trains, airplanes, sit in classrooms, be with people, go to the grocery store, take the bus without internally hyperventilating and the feeling of fainting. But on the outside – all looked so so so good!
If my mother wouldn’t have stopped me from going on to the prescribed anti-depressives, I’d probably still be the same but even more numbed and further away from myself.
We looked everywhere to find answers. I looked everywhere to find answers on all questions of life anyways, because I didn’t understand a single bit of what I was doing here and how to cope with all the extreme ups and downs.
From holistic healers, to acupuncturist, from natural healers, to psychic guides, to doctors, you name it – we’ve been there and tried.
Me and my family were driving each other to the edge and temporarily the fixes worked and prolonged life. But there would always be that snap point of losing it again and not knowing how to be with myself, my emotions, my thoughts. I felt purposeless. And our family was falling apart.
At the same time I lived close with my sister Helen, who was suffering from a similar recipe + anorexia boulimia. We were hopeless. A hopeless bunch of young-adults living a high-socialite life. Where every day and week we put up our never-ending smile, layers of make up, freshly died hair & opened up our fancy newly-built 84m2 Amsterdam-East apartment to our big group of amazing friends where we danced in the best (and worst) clubs of Amsterdam 72 hours non stop, driving a company car with no limit gas and money, food and our idea of love was everywhere. Never fulfilled.
In our family we all hit rock bottom when Helen tried to kill herself in that same apartment, for the 3rd time that month. Another healer my mother knew helped us, and we could carry on until the next bomb would hit.
Yes, this is the real inner world war we and so many others face every single day. Where fears and inner emotional man-slaughters are real. And there seemed no way out. And no one has every shown us any tools how to deal with this. But the best news is, we found a way out!!
For the past 4.5 years I have worked diligently on healing myself, after Helen took the first step showed me and many others a new way.
Five years ago she went to the Rainbow Tai Chi Chi Self-Healing Centre in the UK, for a summerschool. Where under direct guidance of Taoist Tai Chi Master, Master Choy, she and we learned the tools to heal OURSELVES. Emotional tools, Physical tools, Mental Tools and Spiritual tools. Tools to built self love, self acceptance, self understanding, self confidence. And she decided to stay.
I was skeptic, my family was skeptic, and I remember the nights and nights where my mother stood next to my bed crying if Helen could come back, if we could stop this. People think you’re crazy. People think we’ve joined a cult, a sect. That we are up there high in the sky. Where in fact we are here to ground ourselves, within our own strength.
It was not a quick fix, like the pills are. And it took persistency and dedication to choose to live with me and learn to love myself and be the best version of me. To unlearn and learn. Every single day. And not running away from the amounts of shit I had accumulated all my lives. But face them.
A year later I joined the school after a workshop with Master Choy. And after seeing Helen grow and glow and becoming stronger and stronger.
5.5 years later, our whole lives have transformed. I joined, Helens partner Vincent joined, some of our friends joined. And we even study TOGETHER with our PARENTS, Wim and Liesbeth, who have dedicated their own lives to a path of self-healing.
My mother had to face that she could not help us, because of her own imbalances. And we all had to face we had never been educated how to help ourselves. How to grow ourselves emotionally. And how to love ourselves, without needing someone else to reassure you, or needing drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, parties. And yes we still love to dance! Our lives have changed, yet nothing has changed, only positively intensified, happilized! And we have become closer and closer to ourselves and each other.
Daily I apply the tools in all aspects of my life. And Rainbow Tai Chi was/is like a boei in the sea, a golden rope to show me the way back to light. In my own light. With my own arms. My own inner family. My own healthy voice. And I have become my own army of light to heal myself.
I haven’t had any anxiety attacks for over 4 years now.
I haven’t drank myself to sleep for 4 years.
I haven’t felt long-term depressed and suicidal for 4 years now.
I have quit smoking for 3 years.
I have been able to look every person I meet now in the eyes without feeling anxious for 1 year now.
And I have composed & produced my own CD – Eyes of love – last summer. And I had never even played the piano once in front of people, and I did not even sing. Now my music has become healing to me.
Rainbow Tai Chi has opened my eyes & made me see who I really am and am still discovering. Every single day it helps me to go deeper into the joy of life. The love of life. And connect to life. And helps me to cope with every day struggles. From stress, to fears, to insecurities, and flow with all the ups and the downs. Not to only look at the ups, but be grateful for the lows as well.
I would love to share with you some of the things I have learned. And to let you know, you are not alone, you are not lost, and if you feel lost, we are truly here to bring you back to the real happy healthy you! We can make it!
Feel free to join me on Saturday de 24th or Sunday the 25th in Amsterdam! Or one of the other 6 rainbow tai chi teachers and teacher trainees closer to you. We’re all in the country that weekend!